By Charlie Melton
What can be simpler than a family Thanksgiving? The host spends hundreds of dollars to feed people she doesn’t like, the uncle gets drunk, then the family picks one member to harass. When someone cries, the Holiday is a raging success. It’s all about the food, the guilt, and the tears. Good times.
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Now, in late 2021, our families getting together is confusing. Families have always been confusing, but this era is extra-special. How do we even behave in this pandemic?
In some cases we follow the lead of business. What’s that? Simply, every time a business falls short of pleasing anyone they invoke “Covid”. McDummies screws up your order? They just say, “We’re shorthanded because of Covid” or “Our milkshake machine tested positive for Covid, so it’s quarantined for 2 weeks, or maybe until we feel like cleaning it.” My friends at the USPS can’t get mail moved because of Covid. They just put out a statement that instead of 1 or 2 days for local mail delivery, the Covid time frame is between sometime and never.
For our family Thanksgiving, we can neglect to serve those nasty deviled eggs because the Past-Office didn’t get the pickle juice here on time. Turkey? We don’t get no stinking turkey. It got the virus so we’re having my favorite, fried Spam. Yum. Going to miss the turkey leg? Stuff it. Wishbone? You wish.
What about masks? Masks won’t keep “THAT side of the family” from contaminating us. They may have a mask, but they still sit on furniture and make it an upholstered Covid Petri dish. Contamination will run amuck when they have to use the bathroom. You can’t send them to the public restroom at Dollar General because it’s closed most of that day. Not only that, they may want to put their coats on your bed, which means the bed has to be burned. What is the loving family to do?
I plan to mitigate the family virus danger with a 2 prong attack.
The first prong is to prevent our beloved kith and kin from harming us and our stuff. I ordered “Bumper Balls”. They’re also called “Hamster Balls”. The plastic balls cost between $50 and $150, but they’re cheaper than a couch or a bed. Besides, we can use the money from the lavish turkey budget. The balls cover from the top of the head down to somewhere on the legs. The largest is 5 feet tall, but since most of my family is short, we’ll be almost completely covered. On my brother-in-law, all that will be exposed is his calves and feet. When coupled with my automatic Lysol dispensers and HEPA blowers, we should be safe. Winning! The couch and the cat should be safe if they can’t be touched. Plus, we can take out all of those pent-up frustrations and resentments by knocking each other over without the traditional ER visits.
But what about toileting? It Depends. Get it, depends? If adult diapers are good enough for a psychotic female astronaut to wear while stalking her rival, it should be good enough for a neurotic aunt. No bathroom, no Covid contamination.
Better yet, we can all just do a Zoom call on the holiday. No muss, no fuss, no drunk uncle. Nothing says loving like yelling at a cousin from across the country.
Covid Thanksgiving: It’s all over but the crying.