I’m dumb. For as long as I remember, I make New Year resolutions. I pick out something I don’t like about myself and steel my resolve to fix it in the upcoming year. My typical resolutions are things like “I’m going to not smoke this year,” or “I’m losing 100 pounds by National Pie Day.” I’ve occasionally been successful and kept the resolutions. I quit smoking three years ago by resolving to quit. I lost 210 pounds one year by divorcing she-whose-name-isn’tspoken. Many eons ago, I resolved to quit holding grudges, and I’m still fixin’ to do that any minute now. This is a horrible system. I think we need to change the entire New Year tradition. I’m calling for a “Resolution Revolution.”
Here’s the thing. To make a resolution, I have to be aware of what my real shortcomings are, and I probably don’t. I think that my smoking may be my biggest health issue, but it may actually be the fact that I can’t back a vehicle without endangering life and property. If that’s the case, a more urgent need would be to resolve to actually look where I’m going. My wife may think that chronic flatulence is my biggest and most annoying health issue. See what I mean? I’m thinking none of us are self-aware enough to make prudent choices in resolutions. Spouses and family members know everything we should do anyway, so let them do the resolutions. We currently go to family reunions to suffer through the crushing of our self esteem. Why not formalize family encroachment into our psyches by making them concoct our New Year resolutions. Aunt Edna always comments on how bald I’ve gotten, so have the kin cartel assign me to grow more hair in the upcoming year. If I fail to complete my assigned resolution, they can psychologically crush me so I have to start drinking, which they can address in the New Year. I’m digging it.
Another big problem with resolutions is that we have no idea what the new year will bring. I’ve been predicting we’re going to have a real civil war with shooting and pillaging. If that happens, the best resolution may be not to get shot or not to end up in a concentration camp near our enemies at U.C. Berkeley. If I find that I have heart trouble or cancer, I need to resolve to stay alive as long as my health insurance allows it. Resolutions need to be fluid and changeable. Gender has been determined to be fluid, so why not my promises? Promises can be changed to fit the situation. If I get a bullet to the bum, resolving to wear a seat belt is kind of mundane. We need a facility to formally change the resolution. I know…the State of Illinois can form a Bureau of New Year Resolutions that can record and control resolutions. We can give them a bloated budget, a ridiculously generous pension that’s vested after 5 minutes of employment, and staff it with Madigan’s minions and political parasites.
Perhaps we should look to one of our most successful citizens for guidance. World War II veteran Richard Overton passed away this week at the unheard of age of 112. He was a celebrity around his hometown of Austin, Texas. He held court with pilgrims seeking his guidance on how to live. He seemed a paradox because he smoked 12 cigars a day and drank ample amounts of whiskey and coke. Maybe the cigars are what killed him; it just took them over a century to close the deal. Mr. Overton told Steve Harvey his secret to a long life. Mr. Overton said the secret is “Don’t die.” I can get behind that, even though he passed away recently.
Maybe I’ll resolve to cancel all of my previous resolutions. I could go back to smoking with all of the cool kids that haven’t died yet, and I bet there are a few still alive. I can forget the whole evil nutrition thing and rejoin the pie of the month club. Maybe I can even develop a taste for booze, if it’s added to a rum-raisin pie.
Here’s a thought. Let’s all resolve to not resolve. That can stop the family reunion idea and the State oversight.
Maybe resolve just two things every year. Resolve to take each situation as it comes, and resolve to not die. Oh, and eat more pie and take more naps. That will repair everyone’s psyche and prevent any kind of war.