Noel. It’s a word we use every Christmas season. I never really knew what it meant. I throw it around but don’t really understand it. “She who must be obeyed” even has Noel on our mantle in the winter. Now I know. I’ve studied extensively, and I’ve gotten a grip on the true meaning of noel.
Noel is not for a non-denominational holiday season as the PC police would have you think. It has nothing to do with Kwanza or any other made up holiday. It’s not used in any way other than concerning Christmas. I thought for a long time it was an acronym for the National Organization of Electric Lights (NOEL). I surmised it was an arm of the electricians’ labor organization. That seems appropriate after a drive down any street in early December, but I was wrong yet again.
You may be tempted to go to the internet, or even to your local library to research the word “Noel.” Don’t believe Merriam-Webster. They’re some shady outfit that’ll say Noel comes from Latin for “birthday.” That’s stupid. Nobody’s ever heard of a language called “Latin,” let alone a company that makes dictionaries. I just need you guys to trust me. Noel is not a word, as such. Noel is really an acronym related to Christmas. Let’s run through it.
“N” is for no more money. That is the general financial status when December 26 comes around. I’ve got an app to prevent that. It’s called “Christmas club.” You deposit the same amount every month. You get the sum before holiday shopping starts. Just divide the amount saved by the number of people buying for. Boom, there’s no overspending. Except Grandma will see the $189 American Girl doll the little princess must have. It also has a lot of accessories that are required at a nominal price. Little Tommy would love these “Air Jordan” shoes for a few hundred bucks. C’est la vie, there goes the budget. That’s French for “Spoiled brat.”
“O” is for obsolescence. Remember all those electronics you bought the kids two days ago? They’re all obsolete. That 98 inch 3D TV with 1080P you paid $2,000 for in September? It’s no good. All their friends will laugh at them if they don’t have the 99 inch 3D curved TV with 1080.5P The HD tablet is obsolete because HDX just hit the streets. This letter O is strongly related to the N as discussed above.
“E” is for electricity. Not the kind used in electronics. It’s for the kind that illuminates the 4 million lights you put on your house. No matter how many you put out, your neighbor has more. Your kids think you’re lame unless the house looks like the Griswold house in “Christmas Vacation.” My plan was to turn on the porch light. Wham, it’s the star of Bethlehem. Done and done, but ultimately I was overruled by persons without my insight.
“L” is for last-chance shopping. Anyone can go shopping on Black Friday. It takes a real hero to wait until 6:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve and get something pretty and valuable for the wife. It’s even more heroic if the only place open is the local drug store or gas station. One year, I got my wife a laser pointer, some chewing gum, a plastic rose, and a 6 pack of mini donuts. I also made her a romantic card which said “I remembered to shop for you when I stopped for smokes and a bag of Jerky- Bites. You’re welcome.” It was the best Christmas ever.
There you have it. Now you know why Noel is Christmas to you and to me. Nothing says Christmas like no more money, obsolete electronics, an electric bill that rivals that of a football stadium, and shopping at Walgreens. It’s the stuff holiday movies are made of. It’s a loved tradition to pass on to our kids.
Next time we’ll discuss an old friend of mine, Felix Navidad. For now, I wish you a happy Noel.