Late one night when everything was quiet on a weird coast, Christmas was declared public enemy #1. They learned that white folks are bad. Even writing in capitals is considered “aggressive.” Now my favorite thing in the world is on the chopping block. Wait, pie is my favorite thing, and it’s okay for now. Sarcasm, my next favorite thing, is considered verbal violence. Sarcasm has been targeted as violent speech that could make someone get confused or cry. Before sarcasm is outlawed, please follow along. Not that I’m trying to oppress you. If you choose to read along, it’s quite alright. You’re in charge of whatever you want to do.
“’Twas the night before Christmas” is a time honored poem. That’s a problem. Christmas isn’t inclusive, and we have to be inclusive of everyone. What about the Grinch, an obvious victim of years of bullying because his “whiteness” wasn’t showing like the Whoville Christmas racists? How about bad boys and girls? If a child dares to be different from the ruling elite’s ideal, they’re labeled as “naughty.” They get switches, which are violent by design. Even worse, they get vile coal that spews AlGore gases and nasty global warming.
Christmas has to become “Inclusive Celebration of Nothing,” abbreviated as ICON. It’s the only thing that’s fair.
The poem continues, “And all through the house.” Really? How about apartment dwellers? They’re excluded? So we ignore the homeless and nomads in yurts? This is disgusting. Just stop it.
While we’re at it, Santa Claus, a.k.a. Saint Nicholas, is not acceptable. As a Cisgender Republican white male, he’s what privilege looks like. The “saint” in his name is all up into Christianity, and the churches will be labeled as hate groups any day now. Even the Ermine fur on the Santa coat is destructive. The poor weasel is trapped and skinned to benefit a fat white NRA member who goes into homes without a warrant or probable cause. To be inclusive, we need a transgender, undocumented, non-denominational, homeless person of color to be the symbol of ICON. A rainbow hued sustainable hemp suit with glitter will be acceptable to replace the hateful red and white Santa suit.
Reindeer are enslaved and forced to emit greenhouse gases while pulling an unlicensed, non-sustainable, overloaded, unairworthy vehicle. The subspecies of flying reindeer are extremely rare, and making them fly around the world is cruel. It’s as cruel as making horses pull open sleighs. It has to stop. We need to get Tesla or Toyota to provide a Green vehicle to deliver appropriate gifts.
So what do we need? We need an inclusive holiday. Wait, holiday is wrong. It comes from “holy,” which would mean someone is unholy, which we can’t imply unless the unholy are white Republican, heterosexual NRA members. Let me rethink this.
I’m picturing a drag queen in a hemp dress. RuPaul will make it fabulous. He’ll ride in a rainbow colored Prius with the license plate ANTIFA-La-La. Without pre-notification of parents, it’ll bring the gift of choice to all children, every old creep who identifies as a child, and boys in dresses. He’ll be good to them regardless of their behaviors. I’m sure he (she) knows that even the most vicious criminals will be nice if we’re nice to them so they get goodies too. Trans-o-Clause can even pick up the guns from white people while out delivering LGBTQ goodies and great feelings.
We’ll all get behind this. Okay, maybe everyone will appreciate this except for the unenlightened Christian white people. They resent using their whiteness to pay for everyone to be included. White exclusion is okay though, because after all, Scrooge was a white conservative and everyone knows it.
In closing, I just want to say “Happy ICON,” or “Have a merry, Inclusive Celebration of Nothing and to all a good night.” That is, unless you don’t want to have a good night. As long you feel good or however you want to feel. You choose.
Good night. Maybe that’s not inclusive enough. Happy times to you. No, that discriminates against the bi-polar in their depressive phases. I know. How’s this?
“Whatever.” To you and everyone in this ICON season I say “Whatever.”
While we’re at it, I want to apologize. I want to apologize for being a white guy. I want to apologize for being a guy and liking girls, which makes me heterosexual cisgender. That’s different than pansexual, which means you really like cooking utensils. I want your forgiveness for expecting people to follow laws and to put forth effort to get things they want. Mostly, I want to apologize for the violence of sarcasm. But I’ll never apologize for pie. I draw the line at pie.