I got out of the Air Force in 1994. Since I was semi-retiring, I stocked up for intended projects. I acquired a Willys Jeep to rebuild. I’ve never got around to it. I also didn’t get around to cleaning the garage, but it’s only been 25 years. That’s not even an entire generation. I could still get it done, if I can remember where I stored that Jeep. It’s on my list. The list reminds me of things like “Install the exhaust fan” that I bought in 2002, and “Buy a new hairbrush.” I’m fixin’ to do it.
Many guys have a “list.” Some call it a “to-do list” or a “honey-do list.” It probably consists of tasks assigned by the spouse. It can be written down, but often is not. The list is wielded like a battle axe to decimate the self esteem of a husband who gets too cocky. When married grownups get together, the list is used as a punch line for a joke that’s on the men. The wives will try to outdo each other by complaining about husbandly chore performance. The wife with the worst husband gets a pity-party and a medallion.
I refer to men being subjected to a list, because women don’t have a list. I mentioned that I should make a list for shewho-must-be-obeyed, but it didn’t go very well. I was accused of being misogynistic, whatever that means. I was also told that women don’t need a list because they automatically do what they need to do. I find that hard to believe, but don’t tell any ladies that. I could suffer for that sentiment.
Only men embroiled in a “relationship” have an assigned list. I suppose it goes with the territory. When you get your husband permit and license, you’re given a notepad and a sample list. Really. If you didn’t get yours, I’d call the state license office or maybe your senator. You need that package, so you know what to ignore and overlook.
My buddy wrote down his list and has it posted inside a cabinet door. The paper is yellow with age and barely legible. Not a single line is crossed off. It includes “Buy tickets to Woodstock” and “Sign us up for disco lessons.” I guess he’s had the list for a few decades.
I know a guy who’s disabled, and yet his unsympathetic wife leaves him a “list” every morning. It contains items like “Paint other half of living room wall” and “Replace the duct tape holding window together.” He reads her list, throws it away, and goes to the local diner to hang out with the other guys that ignore their lists. She comes home and complains so loudly, that he has no choice but to power down the Beltone. The next morning they do it all again. This sweet ritual works well for them.
I was talking to a highly-paid professional lady the other day, and I asked if her husband has a list. She replied that he does not. He notices what needs to be done and does it before she even thinks about it. He changes the furnace filters every month, cleans the shower drain, and even repairs the car, if you can imagine that. I don’t know what kind of male mutant he is, but I hope that he doesn’t have children. Those genes need to disappear along with the ones for the Dodo bird and sparkly unicorn. He must be cast out from the husband club and never be allowed in a diner anywhere. He can never talk to my wife, because she’ll develop unreal expectations. I don’t want her to punish me for not doing any of those things.
Another lady droned on and on about how her husband made custom cabinets and hand carved house stuff. He keeps the yard and garage in immaculate shape. This degenerate has never been to a gun shop and doesn’t own anything plaid or camouflaged. He organizes the contents of the kitchen cabinets alphabetically. Someone needs to stop him.
I believe that men who complete their lists die painful and embarrassing deaths. Men who step so far out of the norm undoubtedly harm the universe, and it has to take them out. Ever hear of a man being struck by lightning? He’d probably just cleared his list. An airplane engine falls on a guy in his recliner? You know why. They should call it “death by list.”
Thank goodness, these industrious men are the exception to the rule. We husbands have to stick together and keep our lists open and unaccomplished. If you accidentally complete a listed item, don’t advertise it. Other wives will use it as leverage against their husbands. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’ll see you at the diner; I put it on my list.