I frequently remind everyone that I like pie and naps, and that I’m a Nerd. I’m not the successful kind of nerd like Bill Gates or Tom Selleck. I’m more like Sheldon on TV’s “Big Bang Theory,” if Sheldon was old, bald, and uneducated. If you’re a fan of the show, you know how obsessive the character is. I’m guilty of obsessions too, and even share his “Star Trek,” Kirk/Spock enthusiasm.
Ever since I was old enough to look up “psychology” in the World Book Encyclopedia, I’ve obsessed over neurosis, phobias, and syndromes. I remember as a kid, I became convinced I had the eating disorder Anorexia Nervosa. I self-medicated with all of the pie and banana flips I could find. I was successful in overcoming my condition. I kept my weight on and eventually doubled my body mass. I sure dodged a bullet there.
Before I got my Geezer card that entitled me to a pension, I had to work. Roas and Brandie at work talked me into taking an on-line IQ test. They didn’t have to try very hard. They just said that there is one, and I took it. My results were less than stellar. I came up with an IQ lower than Rocky Balboa with a head injury. I was devastated and immediately started drooling on myself. Before my shirt was very wet, I took it again and had grown smarter in just a few minutes. Over the next few hours, I took it 6 times. I even missed most of break time because I was so freaked out. When I got a 180, I stopped retesting. I consider that a valid score.
Somebody that intelligent should be a mathematical wizard, but I’m not. I’ve decided I hold the distinction of being the smartest person in the country that is bad at math. I’m what you call a “paradox” according to an on-line test titled “Are you a paradox?”
The tests reside in a mythical place that we smart, paradoxical and obsessive people call the “internet.” It has all kinds of free tests to self diagnose and to diagnose your boss, friends, and the guy at the DMV. I’ve taken all of them and some more than once. You may think that this is stupid, but you’re wrong. It’s very scientific. Do I need to remind you that if it’s on the internet, it has to be true?
Recently I took a test called “Are you a psychopath?” For the first time in my life, I couldn’t finish the test. I got stuck at question 4.
Question 4 is “Are you a compulsive liar?” I started to answer with a resounding “No,” but I stopped and thought about it. If I’m a psychopath, I probably don’t know it. If that’s true, then I may not know if I’m a compulsive liar. Assuming that I’d know I’m a liar, would I say I’m a liar? If I’m asked if I’m a liar, and I’m not a liar, I’d say no. If I’m asked that question and I am a liar, I’ll say no, but because I’d say no, I have to say yes because I’m a liar. Then again, I can’t say yes because that’d be telling the truth, and if I’m a liar… I still don’t know what to do. This is starting to sound like one of those math principles I don’t understand.
Since I can’t take the test, I read up on psychopaths. The gold standard on psychopaths is a book called “The Mask of Sanity.” I scanned through it, and while I’m still not sure if I’m a psychopath, I’m pretty sure everyone I don’t like is one. That includes my drill sergeant, most politicians, and my mother-in-law. If you refer to the book, you’ll agree they’re obviously psychopaths.
Recently I read that even though we thought psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists lack human feelings, they really do have feelings. It was right there in an article on the internet, so it’s completely true. The kid that runs the website knows stuff. He’s learned those people have to have instant gratification. Normal people can delay gratification, but not psychopaths.
Now I have to obsess again. I like instant gratification. For example, the other day I was hungry and had a turkey sandwich. A sane person could have waited until Thanksgiving to have the turkey. I even went to Ginny’s and had pie instead of delaying gratification until my wife made pie. Sure, she doesn’t bake, but she could someday. I should have waited. It’s not looking good for me.
I’m very worried and may seek professional help soon. I plan to do that after I finish this on-line test titled “Are you obsessed with on-line tests?” I don’t think I am, but I have to complete it before I can do anything else. I may have to take it several times.