I always talk about my Grandmas. They were both very wise because they knew how special I am. Each had their own methods of indulging me so that I’d become a special adult. Some of those methods included baking me tasty treats and buying me valuable toys. Only grandparents have that special wisdom.
I never talk about my Grandpas. One died young and the other wasn’t available, but I had a few examples of grandfathering. One was a guy on TV’s “The Real McCoys,” which I’m sure everyone remembers. Others were Grandpa Zeb on “The Waltons” and the unforgettable Grandpa Miller on “Lassie.” There’s a grandfatherly martial art master in every Kung-Fu movie since the beginning of time.
Each was full of wisdom and had led a remarkable life. The grandfathers were the smartest and bravest strong men to ever inhabit the planet. They also told a good story while wearing a variety of attractive hats and overalls. I expounded on their examples and founded the grandfatherly technique of “Grandpa Kung-Fu.” My Kung-Fu is strong and the concept is copyrighted.
The first Grandpa Kung-Fu lesson is the Myth- Kata. To execute this form, face the local diner with your feet shoulder- width apart. Push your diaphragm down so your stomach hangs over your belt. Lean on your cane or walker. Take a deep breath and tell a story about something you’ve done. For example, you can say “See that car with a flat tire? I invented putting air in tires.” Repeat it 100 times. Make it believable. Make yourself believe it. Then tell your grandkids the story and make them believe it. To practice, look around the room and pick out a random object. Tell a story about it featuring you as the hero. Here’s another example: I see a light bulb. Did you know I gave Edison the idea for the light bulb? He was trying to think of something to invent. I said, “Why not make an electric light? It’ll help me see the TV remote control buttons at night. He thanked me and offered me a share of every bulb sold forever, but I refused to take money. The rest is history.” See how well that works? You totally believe me. Anyone would. Myth Kung-Fu is unstoppable.
When the grandkids were little, they were easy. I convinced various grandsons of things like “I saved the Rockettes from the Nazis in WWII,” or “I invented The Internet so that Grandma can watch cute cat videos.” They believed anything I said because my Kung-Fu is strong. My best was when I convinced them that pie, which I invented, is the base of the food pyramid.
Another example of grandfatherly Myth Kung-Fu was when I worked in St Louis. I hit my head when I dozed off in my chair at work. It was after a particularly rigorous lunch of fried chicken and pecan pie. My head fell pretty hard against a file cabinet and I ended up with a swollen and black eye. When the kids asked me what happened, I assumed my stance and told them how I was attacked by two, no it was three, robbers whom I beat up. I even made them cry like little babies. One got in a lucky punch and dotted my eye. I was pretty convincing, because random people in town learned of it and were concerned. I got sympathy and admiration from several ladies. That’s strong Kung-Fu.
As the kids grew larger, so did their skepticism. They wrongly decided I was full of it and I probably didn’t do any of those things. They even started calling me “Grandpa the Terrible,” which I guess is better than being called “G-Father the Flatulent” or “Pater the Pie-Eater.” They lost respect for Myth Kung-Fu and I’m sure they’ll suffer for it.
After the grandkids become immune to the myth, it’s time to move up to Grandpa Kung-Fu form #2, the “Cowboy Up” Kata. We’ll learn that next time.
Remember, you must believe in order for others to believe. Practice, and always keep your Timmy out of the well, Grasshopper. If you do your Kung-Fu, will be strong.
Until then, I have to record how I invented soda pop.
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