I’m not good at talking to people. I attended an event with our representative and a lot of other smart people. I approached him with a brilliant idea, but I failed to sell it. As usual, when I talk to someone in real life, I get befuddled and sound like I might be a blithering idiot. Let me get this down on paper where you’ll be sure I’m a blithering idiot.
I have a great idea to bring money into the state. This idea is even better than my idea of taxing people for flying over the state. This idea has more merit than my idea of collecting a border fee for those traveling across the state and for people Googling the word “Illinois.” This idea combines tax with an established business practices of professional sports.
When the St. Louis mayor sold his soul to the Rams franchise, they needed millions of dollars, in addition to the millions in ransom the government paid them. All of the underhanded tomfoolery Missouri could muster wasn’t enough to finance the NFL “Lifestyles of the Rich and Idiotic.” They needed more money, and one of the ways they raised money is the sale of “PSLs.”
PSL is an acronym for “Personal Seat License.” It gives you the right to buy a season ticket for a certain seat to watch NFL players sit out the National Anthem and show disrespect to our flag. People with no idea of what entertainment is and more money than sense, paid up to $4500. That fee gave them the opportunity to spend a fortune on tickets, dangerous parking, and overpriced, unsafe food. It makes no sense to me, but hey, whatever floats your football. Please note that a PSL isn’t a ticket; it’s a license to buy a ticket.
You could say that Illinois is in the same boat that the Rams were in. I’m pretty sure the governor sold his soul to some dark overlord, but the state demons need more. Like the Rams, we should sell PSLs. In the case of the state it would be “Pritzker Sedition License.” I don’t use the word “sedition” lightly. Au contraire…I use that word seriously because I just learned it. It was in a “word of the day” email so it has to be a good word.
Here’s the way it works. You currently have no rights in Illinois. Really, none of us do. We’re the most over-regulated, over-taxed, over-oppressed populace this side of the Korean Peninsula. The oppression in Illinois is so severe, the governor wanted a plastic bag tax to deter citizens from putting them over their heads. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, see “The Sopranos” episode where Paulie Walnuts whacks Joey Icecream with a plastic bag. The tax is supposed to make Illinoisans think twice about using plastic bags to end the misery. That tax, and the countless other taxes, fees, and extortion are soul crushing. Enter the PSL, stage right.
Fed up? Keep your mouth shut and pay, unless you have a PSL. With the new and improved “Pritzker Sedition License” you can run at the mouth all you want. Buy the entry bronze level PSL, and publicly say you’re not paying bag tax. Move up to the silver level, and you get the option of buying gas in another state and telling everyone about it.
With the gold level PSL, you get the right to remove your toilets so that you get a big break in property taxes. You can live in Chicago and not have to pay the bag tax. You also get to trade in up to two cars without any income taxes on the vehicles you previously paid sales tax on. This level does not give you the right to brag about beating the system, because it could cause other residents to riot.
Want a little more from your PSL? The discerning citizen can purchase the Platinum PSL. It not only gives you the option of saying anything you want, it also lets you evade all of the taxes, fees, and ransoms that the state imposes. As an additional bonus, you get a room with a view of the exercise yard at the federal hoosegow. It’s called the Blagojevich suite.
Mayhaps I’m making this too complex. Everyone knows that laws and taxes should be simple and easily understandable. Maybe we can make the “Pritzker Sedition License” (PSL) like an old time Chinese restaurant. Buy an entry-level PSL and ignore one law from column A and one tax from column B. With the top-level PSL, you can ignore and denounce six taxes, and with six you get eggroll.
This is my last in-print article in the last in-print Villagers Voice. I’ll still be submitting for the on-line version and in other venues, but my time with “The Voice” has been special. Thank you, John, Lois, Kathy, and Marilyn. It’s been a blast.