By Charlie Melton
“A spoon, a spoon, my kingdom for a spoon.” (Richard III, William Shakespeare)
At about 11 o’clock last night I got out my personal saltshaker and it was almost empty. This may have happened to you, and if it has, you know how horrible that is. Salt is so important, the Bible talks about it all of the time. Since retirement, I’ve paid close attention to the important things in life, like the condition of my condiments and the cleanliness of the outside trash receptacle. I don’t want to die and people to say things like, “He was a good guy, but his salt and pepper shakers were in bad shape. Did you see his trashcan? Horrible!” To avoid that, I take care of the important things in life.
I yelled from the kitchen, “Who’s been using my salt shaker?” The wife sounded guilty when she said, “What are you yelling about?” I repeated, “Who’s been using my salt shaker? It’s empty, and I know I didn’t use all of the salt. Did you use it?” There was no response, so I yelled again.
The grand-twerp interjected from his room. “Shut up about the salt shaker. I’m trying to sleep. I have a test tomorrow.” Like all teens, he doesn’t understand the important things in life.
I felt my blood heat up a bit as I filled the saltshaker. I looked over at the dining table and that saltshaker was half empty too. Nobody can do anything around here. I have to do it all. Even the pepper was low. Grrr.
As I did the chores that had to be done, I went over this domestic purgatory we men can fall into. Here we are, eternally marginalized for not picking our socks up and not putting the toilet seat down, while spices and rubbish cans go un-filled and un-cleaned. I mean, she could fill the saltshaker. I put the stupid toilet seat down all of the time, even though it really belongs up. Everyone knows the seat goes up, unless you need it down temporarily. I called out my logical argument, but she doesn’t do logic. She gave me that girl-attitude and said, “Forget the stupid salt shaker. I’m going to bed,” and she did. I don’t know how wives can sleep at a time like that.
It’s like that all of the time. I got a little verbal at a local restaurant because they didn’t give me a spoon with my table service. Everyone knows that table service is a knife, fork, and spoon. It’s important to have all three. The whole family acts like I’m an idiot because I can’t enjoy my meal without table service. Eating without the proper tools is like going on a trip without 3 different types of maps. You won’t be able to get where you want to go, in this case, the bottom of the bowl. Does the family care that I need full table and map service? They do not.
Some of you may not pay attention to saltshakers and spoons and maps. I’m here to tell you that you need to pay attention, because your life may depend on it. Let’s say that you’re in your recliner watching “American Hot Rod” or “Shade Tree Mechanic” while you enjoy a big bowl of popcorn. Suddenly, the door flies open and a masked Anti-Fa Liberal Vegan breaks in and starts to hit you with his man bag. If your saltshaker is full, you can fling it in his eyes. That’ll make him cry, while you get up and slap him into next week. When you send him packing, you can tell him where to go and give him the map to get there.
Most of you worry about the wrong things. I bet many out there are absolutely frantic about crime, or nuclear war, or Ebola. You can’t do anything about any of those things, but you can clean your dumpsters. Cleaning it may not stop crime, but it will stop the bad odors and flies. Flies are eaten by frogs, which are full of diseases. Frogs give you salmonella and probably all kinds of warts. When you get warts all over your hands, nobody will want you to use their spoons, so you won’t be able to enjoy your food. See, it’s all related. These things matter more than you know.
To summarize, I hope you all get with the program and realize the things you ignore may be the most important things in your life. Don’t expect the spousal unit or the teen mutant to help, or even understand your burden. Knowing is burdensome in itself, but someone has to be aware and take care of the important things in life. It’s the map to being the salt of the earth.
You can contact Charlie via email at firstname.lastname@example.org or by mail at PO Box 378, Norris City, Il 62869.
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