Cheat, Avoid, or Revere Taxes (CART)
By Charlie Melton
I want to broach a subject nobody ever talks about, especially here in Illinois. I want to talk about taxes. Our options with taxes are described by the acronym CART, which is cheat, avoid, or revere taxes. The following is for discussion only. See “allegedly” in the dictionary.
You probably didn’t notice the new Illinois taxes on, well, everything. Tax on gasoline and diesel has doubled because we tax unnecessary things and what is more unnecessary than gasoline? It’s a luxury. It’s not like you have to buy it to get to work and the store so you can feed your starving children. It’s a luxury because you can choose not to buy it. You can sit quietly in your immovable car that you have to pay tax on. You’ll have to pay insurance on the car because bribed lawmakers made it the law. I think that there was no way to tax animals used for transportation, so cars had to be invented. You could say we put the horse before the CART. Ha-ha, get it?
We can cheat by ignoring taxes. For example, let’s say an American was stationed in England. Call him “Moi.” Let’s say Moi resented paying Illinois-type British taxes. He was, after all, an American. Americans by definition would rather fight than pay taxes. It must be true because I read it on the internet in an article on “toxic masculinity in defying tyranny.” As an American, Moi wanted to not pay taxes by any means possible. The Brits tried to make him buy a TV license so he could watch bad BBC sitcoms and Snooker tournaments. He cheated by not buying it. He even made his own counterfeit license plates to avoid road tax. He never paid his water hose tax. It would have been bad for him if he’d have been caught, but he was not. He’s a “tax cheater.”
You can also avoid taxes. You can avoid them by not buying stuff. If the tax rate is 10% and you buy nothing, then you multiply nothing by 10 and carry the nothing to leave you a bill of zero. The down side of that is that your heirs end up paying taxes on the money you don’t use.
You can avoid taxes by being selective about which taxes you pay. Henry David Thoreau refused to pay his poll tax because he thought it funded the Mexican-American war. He was arrested and went to jail, but his aunt paid his tax. He ended up writing “Civil Disobedience” (available as a free download). It’s a “how-to” to avoid unjust taxes, as if a tax could be unjust.
You can avoid taxes by shutting up and not letting the authorities know you owe them. In England our anti-hero, Moi, says that he avoided taxes on goods by paying cash. Merchants there had two prices. The traceable check rate was about double the cash price. This underground economy avoids taxes by the old technique “if it’s not written down, it never happened.” It’s kind of like in the old days when people ran “drip” gas in their vehicles. The drip gas was never entered into any taxable system, so it didn’t have the taxes refined into it. Maybe that would be cheating and avoiding taxes simultaneously.
Theoretically, people could also work for cash so there was no record and no tax. With trading and avoiding anything that can be taxed, none is ever owed. See the old movie “The Mating Game” to see how not to do that.
Rumor has it that many of our Illinois brethren are moving to states that don’t tax earth, wind, and fire. I guess if you want to avoid taxes by running out on us, you can. Sure, be a slacker and go for the cheap gasoline if you want. I prefer the good stuff here in the Land of Lincoln.
Personally I revere taxes. I’m too stupid to know how to spend money, so I have to let the government do it for me. It’s what they do.
I also revere taxes because I get a pension. If nobody paid taxes I’d get a big zero the first of the month and then couldn’t pay gasoline tax, which pays pensions, so they can pay gasoline tax and etcetera. See how that works?
Think about it this way. Paying taxes is like the fun religious practice of “self flagellation.” People whip themselves to atone for their sins. We may feel guilty for speeding or spitting on a sidewalk or joking about an elected official. To atone, gladly pay the tax to receive forgiveness for doubting the purity of our congresspersons. Really, can you imagine some people doubt their representatives?
So you can cheat on your taxes. You can avoid taxes. As for me, I choose to revere my taxes. If I could talk to our Governor, I’d say, “Thank you, sir. May I have another?”
You can contact Charlie tax-free at PO Box 378, Norris City, Il 62869. He’ll CART your letter home and revere it.